Skepticism, and Critical Thinking

It’s been a little while since I have had the opportunity to blog. Sorry about that! It has been an interesting few months. It is now 2021, and with it brings another time of contemplation pertaining to the previous year. 2020 was a time unlike any other that we have experienced. Mainly, we were plunged into (and are still in the middle of) a global pandemic. Our entire lives shifted and changed. It provided me with significant block of time to slow down, and contemplate many aspects of myself that I hadn’t taken the time to look at.

in the first quarter of last year, I broke my foot falling off of my unicycle. During the healing process, the dark depression I had found myself in since November, 2019 reached its climax. Near my birthday in May, I attempted suicide. Thankfully, I was not successful, but it forced me to question the groups that I had been a part of. Pretty much since the start of my recovery journey, I had taken a liking to two different Youtube “guru” channels. One was disguised as a personal development channel, but really was pointing me in the direction of needing to use psychedelics to achieve some sort of “spiritual enlightenment”. Basically to realize that I am God and am creating the universe. Thankfully I was just in it for the personal development advice. One of the topics that this person spoke about was self-actualization. I had really resonated with an idea they stated: If I don’t go out into the world and fulfil my life’s purpose, then I will grow old and look back on my life and have regrets. I really took this on as truth, and it began to shape the way I thought of myself and how I was living my life.

I also was buying into another self appointed master, who took more of a new age spirituality approach to their teachings. Thankfully, they started to fall into the pit of conspiracy theories as the pandemic became more and more of a focal point. I quit buying into their “teachings” rather quickly. As I began to question the truth of this content, I began taking an interest in skepticism, and critical thinking. I began learning about cults, and Steven Hassan’s BITE Model (Behavior, Intuition, Thought, Emotion control).

When everything came crumbling down was when I applied critical thinking and skepticism to everything that I believed. This included the program of “traditional recovery” that I had been a part of, and even my religion. What I realized was that without knowing it, I had fallen prey to a series of cults. After my suicide attempt, I re-evaluated everything that I was a part of. I quit seeking advice from self-appointed gurus, and began looking inside of myself for answers. The most difficult shift was the detachment from my recovery community.

This was a group of individuals that I had spent the last 18 months shaping my life around. I had created a community around these people and dove head first into their way of life. In the end, I had to ask myself if participating was moving me forward and causing me to feel healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually. The answer that I arrived at was no. It was a difficult thing to realize. I have since been doing my own research to find different ways & methods of recovery that make more sense to my individual personality.

After I moved on, I went through a period of anger. This seems to be normal when detaching from a cult that has participated in brainwashing and manipulating my thinking. I also had to come to terms with the fact that I would be losing people in that community that I thought were my friends. I understand that they might feel that I now pose a risk to them and that they need to protect themselves. I don’t hold anything against them and wish them the best. It was definitely an interesting experience, and I am glad that I am where I am at now. True friendship is unconditional (with proper boundaries).

There is no denying that I feel much, much better since I left. I have grown immensely last year. I am much more comfortable in my own skin, and many days I feel like I make the choice to love myself. I had to learn to not put other people or programs on pedestals. I now have more of a vision for myself and what I want my life to be. I feel more confident, and have a great hope for 2021. I will eventually forge more friendships. Ones that are more based in common hobbies and who accept me because of who I am, not what I am a part of.

. . . To Be Anything At All

It seems like many of us become caught up attempting to excel in the rat race of living in a 1st world country. We’re bombarded with distractions and sometimes it feels as if the main purpose of life can be to work and make enough money to survive. From an early age, we learn about the societal programs that seem to dominate our lives: go to school, fit in, go to college, get a good career, get married, have a family. While there isn’t anything particularly wrong with this path or any path for that matter, it does feel like many times the point of all this seems lost in the rushing. There seems to be a overwhelming fixation on what is aptly called “destination addiction”.

I definitely have spent so much time focused on this type of thinking. “When I achieve this (career, degree, business, relationship, net worth, etc.) I will allow myself to feel (content, successful, proud, love, etc.)” To a certain extent I think it is very important to have our basic needs met. I do, however find myself pausing more and more to attempt to absorb the beauty of what it means to be and experience anything at all. To be a human being on this spinning spacecraft called Earth is a astounding experience. Slowing down to just think about how all of this could have possibly came to be regularly blows my mind.

I often feel this sense of wonder when I ride my unicycle by the ocean and dance to my music. I also feel this wonderful peace when I am out in nature as well. I feel like it is important in my life to slow down when I can remember and attempt to remember that just to have a sliver of time on this planet as a human is a glorious gift. There was a long time that I didn’t think so. I was absorbed in pain, and spent many years intoxicated in order to numb out emotions from the past that I didn’t wish to examine. Now that I have put in a extreme amount of effort to confront and embrace my demons, I am finally beginning to see with clearer vision how profound it is to be alive.